I feel like the devil is constantly in my ear, telling me how disappointing my life has been. Over and over, these whispers echo in my head, and I can only do so much to hold off. In the face of empirical data, I feel powerless.
I am just tired of being a burden to myself and to everyone I love and care about. I wish this would all go away. I am very tired.
I don’t know if this will ever stop, but one thing I am sure about is that I want that motherfucking devil out of my ear. I want my quiet back.
Then there are days like today.
I had terrible episodes for a number of weeks, and I am just glad that I feel better now. I have been eating well, and I have been talking to friends again. I have been smiling and laughing today as though nothing had happened.
Well, truly, nothing unusual had happened. I just, suddenly, felt that there was no tomorrow waiting for me. That is a debilitating feeling: not being able to look forward to anything. Having survived much worse than a bad day at the office, I am surprised that I still managed to be as depressed as I was.
At some point, the sun will have to shine.
I feel happy today, borderline overly happy, but I do not know why. I guess the idea that I can imagine a tomorrow again is quite exciting.
I am meeting some people tomorrow, and I hope they can confirm what I am feeling. My fingers are crossed that this feeling lasts long enough until I am strong enough to face my demons.
To my family and friends who were patient, supportive, and prayerful, maraming salamat.
I remember Lea Salonga singing this number ever so beautifully.
What a journey it has been, and the end is not in sight.
Catching every drop of hope in my empty cup.
A few days ago, I looked at this picture of Nepal taken by pomacious, and I thought that it was breathtaking. He is taking many beautiful pictures during his current trip, and this is easily one of the most moving I have seen.
Today, I felt more than ever that I am very disappointed in myself for becoming the kind of person for whom getting out of bed is already a victory. This would not have happened to me in the past, and I feel like a loser for being like this.
This upset the person I was talking to, and she told me something that made sense:
You do not need to feel bad about your “small victories” at this time. You must never compare the peaks of mountains to the highest points of valleys. These points will never stand side by side to be compared anyway.
You are just in a valley right now, and that you are reaching a high point is already a good thing. Reaching the high points in these valleys only means that you are moving.
Just keep moving, appreciate your progress, and, before you know it, you will be on your way to a mountain peak that you will be proud of.
Stayed in bed all day, did nothing. My body wanted to sleep more, but my mind won’t let it.
I want to shut my mind up. There are so many conversations with myself going on in my head, and the discussions are never pleasant. I am so tired of not forgetting all my mistakes, all my misses, all my stupidities. I just want me to shut up shut up shut up in my head. I miss my peace.